Time is both flying by and moving slowly. It feels like I should be completely through my gap year, yet I’m only halfway done! So I thought I’d come here today and give you a quick update on my progress so far.
I’m happy with my first six months
It wasn’t the easiest of things to settle into my gap year, as I wrote here. I certainly wish I’d have started my gap year right away feeling okay with letting go. I knew this was a transition that other people had to go through in their own gap years, but knowing and experiencing are two different things and I had to go through the process on my own.
Just this week a friend asked me if I felt recharged yet. After some thinking, I said both yes and no at the same time.
On the one hand, I feel energized and more focused. I now have a better grasp on who I am, who I want to be personally, and what I want to do professionally. While nothing is ever set in stone, I’m currently aligning my goals with who I am and what I want. This might sound silly to most of you, but I feel like most of us on this planet do not get to do what we really want in life.
And what I don’t really want is to do what got me to eventually burnout. Being a software engineering manager is not a job I have enjoyed. I gave it five good years to see if it would eventually click with me, and I don’t think it has. Despite resting for six whole months, I feel that if I signed up for another management job I would perform even worse than I did five years ago when I jumped into it for the first time. I have not recharged in that respect. The thought of going back to work as a manager brings back the feelings of dread I felt every Sunday night.
Software engineering makes me happy(er)
Coding has been my jam for so long. I started when I was twelve years old, loved it, and wanted to do it for the rest of my life.
But I’m human, and humans desire progress. I became a manager because I wanted to feel like I was progressing after 15 years of software development experience. In hindsight, it was probably not the best for me, but the only way to know this was to experience it. I don’t totally regret it, however. I have learned a lot and I’m happy I did.
While software engineering has its highs and its lows, I feel like management was all lows for me. I loved the teams I managed and I still think about the people on those teams despite not working with them anymore. What made me happy were those little moments when I improved someone’s life, but they were too few and far between. And I don’t have to be a manager to help others, although being a manager comes with the benefit of a bigger network, a useful tool when trying to pair people with opportunities.
Coding makes me happy. It’s my comfort zone and what I want to focus on now.
But I want to own a business too…
Oh, the irony… I feel drawn to being a coder, but I want to own a business again! I’m fully aware that being a business owner would make me a manager again, ha! It would also demand time and effort from me away from coding.
But right now, it feels right.
And right now, I looking at being a freelancer or a contractor. And this is how I’ll spend my next six months, moving into this direction.