I was chatting with the director of the migrant shelter where I volunteer a few weeks ago. She wanted to hire me, but I really didn’t feel comfortable with that. Why would I say no to free money? I kept wondering why I wouldn’t want to earn $15 per hour for work I was doing for free as a volunteer. I felt like I was throwing money out the window.
This gave me some pretty bad anxiety for a few days, actually. But thankfully, I eventually learned why I was feeling the way I did.
Goals clash
As we talked about the prospect of being on staff, the director acknowledged my feelings and said something that made everything click.
“A gap year is like cutting up all the branches on a plant and waiting to see what grows back.”
That felt so right! This simple sentenced allowed me to reframe my gap year in a way explained the discomfort I was feeling. When I quit my job, my goals were simple. Travel, learn Spanish, rock climb and write a book about happiness.
But I think that I had other goals in my subconscious mind. Goals that I didn’t know I had. These hidden goals were clashing with my known goals and causing me some anxiety because I wasn’t working on them. I think that in our North American culture, sitting idle is a negative and we never learn to sit still and listen.
The first manifestation of this clash of goals was the extreme anxiety I felt after being offered an hourly wage for the volunteer work I was already doing for free. How bizarre, no?
It turns out what my mind wanted me to do is retain my freedom to volunteer as I please instead of being on staff and having responsibilities. What my body needed from me was that I fully cut everything and let the real me grow back.
Cutting everything
As my gap year progressed, my priorities started changing. I was not really expecting that to happen but as my mind settled, quieted down and relaxed, it started reprioritizing.
My goal of finding new sources of income gave way to wanting to enjoy my time with my family. My goal of traveling to Latin America changed to going back to Canada to visit family.
It was also very hard to let go of the feeling that I needed to do something productive. Even spending the time writing blog posts on this website took a back seat for a while. My hobbies, like woodworking or photography didn’t really feel motivating to me and I learned to accept that it’s okay! I don’t have to do it if I don’t want to.
Five months into my gap year, I finally accepted that this is what I need to do: to slow down and let myself be taken by the current of this river and just see where I end up. Or, as seen from the plant metaphor angle I started this post with: I need to cut up all my branches and see what grows back.
Growth already started
It took only about a month between accepting to cut everything for things to start growing back again.
I can feel it. Not only do I feel more relaxed, but I have renewed interest for my field of work! I have a strong desire to start coding again. I once again find software engineering articles interesting to read.
This is my first new sprouting branch, and I can’t wait to see what else grows back.